SiD sQuArE-eYeS
You’re only young once

Alright, humes? You know what I was saying to Bradley Wiggins only the other day? “It’s about time someone rebranded cycling and made it cool again.” And - what d’you know? - that’s exactly what Patrick and Maria tried to do in tonight’s Young Apprentice final. Faced with the task of creating a sportswear brand with global potential, the pair came up with CYC - pronounced “psych”, rather than “sick” - then got a group of middle-aged women to promote it by singing a Lady Gaga hit in a shopping centre. Yeah, good luck with that.

It was only tonight that I realised Maria and Lucy were actually two different humes: I’d previously thought they were one person with two accents. But the penny finally dropped this evening as Lucy was paired with Ashleigh - and the duo came up with their streetwear brand, Release. Seeing as Patrick had already grabbed the choir of mums for his sick CYC flash mob, Ash and Luce opted to make an ad featuring cool-looking teens dancing in pigeon shit.

Of course, you’re not going to get anywhere in this day and age without getting Rio Ferdinand’s seal of approval. Following his X Factor appearance the other week, the former England football captain continued his tour of TV talent show finales by bowling up to the Young Apprentice marketing presentations. Sadly, he didn’t seem too impressed with CYC - and Release duly won the challenge.

The show’s eventual winner? Ashleigh, who intends to spend her £25,000 prize money on setting up her own accountancy firm or becoming a property developer. She hasn’t decided which yet. Tsk - kids today, eh? Bloody bores, the lot of them. Still, if you don’t like the result, you know what you can do? Blame it on Rio!

Want to win £20 worth of high street vouchers, humes? Of course you do! See if you can find me when I’m playing with my favourite app, TVcheck. Find out how the competition works here.